Men of the Beach, Talk #3: Relationship with Women

I. Amnon and Tamar

Amnon was David’s son, a royal son in the house of the king, one among many. Of his upbringing, knowledge of God, and interaction with his father, the Scripture is silent. In his first appearance, he is introduced as follows: “In the course of time, Amnon son of David fell in love with Tamar, the beautiful sister of Absalom son of David.” By this, the Scripture means that Absalom and Tamar shared the same mother, though all were the offspring of David. Tamar was Amnon’s half-sister.

We are concentrating more on the pattern of interaction here, but note that as her brother, it was not lawful for Amnon to desire Tamar. The Bible uses the phrase “fell in love,” which in general does not share the same touching significations of the modern use of the phrase. In NASB, it says simply that Amnon “loved her.” This is similar to Jacob’s desire for Rachel, and Samson’s for Delilah. It is what we might call an infatuated lust, like that of the foolish man enticed by the wanton woman in Proverbs. It is lovesickness, that preoccupation with another person which in itself is not a bad thing. But it is dangerous in its effects.

Listen to the words: “Amnon became frustrated to the point of illness on account of his sister Tamar, for she was a virgin, and it seemed impossible for him to do anything to her.”

The Bible is very straightforward about the heart and desires of man! Amnon wanted to possess her. He wanted her, and denied her, he became ill, physically ill.

Now then, chart the course of his actions:

“Amnon lay down and pretended to be ill.” –In this way, he manipulates Tamar into being alone with him.

“But when she took it to him to eat, he grabbed her hand and said, ‘Come to bed with me, my sister!’”

She tries to dissuade him, “But he refused to listen to her, and since he was stronger than she, he raped her.”

With that, there is a switch, “Amnon hated her with intense hatred. In fact, he hated her more than he had loved her.”

Observations:

1. Amnon became infatuated with Tamar. He saw her and desired her. This in itself is natural, normal, healthy even. It is the course of things, the way God has made men and women to be. When a man looks at a woman, he sees beauty and he is drawn to it.

2. However, these passions and desires are unregulated in the sinful heart, disordered, chaotic. What control we have over them is the product of upbringing, environment, and culture, easily broken.

3. Amnon, in being led by these desires, takes increasing steps to satisfy them. He wants to get her alone, he wants her to satisfy his desires, so he manipulates the situation to give him opportunity to enjoy her. But after doing this, she still remains unwilling. So he takes what he wants through his greater strength. He forces her to give him satisfaction. The blunt physical nature of this forcing is the culmination of his efforts, and in line with them. In other words, his rape is not an aberration, but the result of the method he chose to satisfy himself.

4. This, then, is the pattern that is set before us in this story. Man desires woman, not just the ordinary admiring, but a lustful, infatuated desire that controls and motivates him. He takes whatever action is necessary to have what he desires, with no ultimate regard for her desire. She is simply an object for him to satisfy himself with. As the barriers and restraints are stripped away, the act culminates in rape. After raping her, and finding his desires ultimately unsatisfied, he hates her.


Now, I am going to say something intense, perhaps even offensive to some. This pattern is the normal pattern of sin, this story meant to represent onto us the pathways of our heart. Can you apply this to yourself? Can you prevent yourself from standing aloof from Amnon, as if you and he did not share the same sinful nature?

What separates us from Amnon?

1. Culture, and the “thinkableness” of rape. The reason we tend to see this as a distant story is that the culture that most of us was brought up in (and I include in this not just the broader American culture, but also the family and church environments) distances us from the thought of rape. If I asked you, would you ever rape a girl? I am sure that almost all of you would answer “no” without hesitation. This, believe it or not, is to a very large degree a product of the lingering effect of the intense Christianization of Western society during the 16th-17th centuries.

2. Fear of the law. As a royal son, Amnon had little fear of the effects of his rape, provided he could do it privately. He is half-right. His father, when told about it, does nothing. But ultimately Absalom revenges his sister. For us, rape would most likely result in prison, social pariahhood, rejection by peers, etc. This, of course, is one of the primary reasons for the existence of the government…to constrain the natural impulses of sinful man through fear and punishment.

3. Finally, and most importantly, the Holy Spirit is at work in us, controlling and acting in opposition to our flesh.

Without the Holy Spirit, our restraints are fear and culture, both of which our sinful natures can and do overcome. Rape is far more common than we imagine. Statistics say that the majority (60%) of sexual assaults are not reported to police! In fact, there are many cultures where rape is common. Even in America there are subsections of the country in which rape is not stigmatized in any way. And date-rape and the pseudo-rape of pressurized sex, not to mention the intense pressure put upon women to sexually perform by the representations in media and pop culture, would show that in fact the heart of man is the heart of a rapist, whatever cultural restraints hold him back.

I understand that this is a hard thing to admit. But we must understand that the pattern that culminates in rape is our pattern, and because it have never culminated in rape in our lives is a sign of the mercy of God, his common grace expressed through government. The pattern comes through the perversion of our manhood, and thus belongs to all who possess this cursed flesh, not just the men we may vilify as rapists. I sometimes think the emotional manipulation and using of women that commonly occurs even in Christian circles should be called “emotional rape.” It catches somewhat of the seriousness of what is going on, in that we are acting towards women from an urge to satisfy our desires towards them.

However, I will not call it that, for a couple reasons:

1. Rape is a serious crime and sin, and I don’t want to demean it by associating it with something that is less weighty and less guilt-inducing.

2. Because it is common, I want us to be able to talk about it and admit it to each other with a degree of freedom that the word “rape” hinders through its emotional resonance.

Nonetheless, bear in mind that the using of women for our own gratification is in the pattern of Amnon, even when it does not result in physical rape.


Now then, let’s look at what the Bible has to say about women. We will turn back to Genesis 2.

Observations:

1. Woman is made second. This is significant.

2. Woman is made because man is alone, a fact which God is “not good.” Without going deeper here, I would say that this is because man alone is an inadequate image of God, failing to reflect the fullness of God on earth. At any rate, woman is made to complete them, so that together they might become one.

3. She is to be a “helper suitable for him.” This is a difficult phrase to translate, but it conveys someone who is to come alongside Adam, to be next to him in the work that is appointed for him. In this she is to be his “helper,” that which comes alongside him to complete and complement him in his work. Woman is created for man.

4. She is made from man. She is “the glory of man,” beautiful, desirable. When she is brought to man, he looks at her and says “This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh.” He takes her upon himself, she is his, to guard and care for, as he would his own flesh.

5. What we have is the establishment of man in his relationship to woman. She is made for him, for his pleasure and delight. He, looking upon her, is filled with joy. She, in being looked at and delighted in, is filled with joy. He cares for her and protects her. She obeys him and assists him. These are differences in roles that God created so that the relationship of man and woman might be his image, for it is the relationship between the Father and the Son which is being represented. Thus, as the Father and Son are co-equal in value, but differing in roles, so man and woman are co-equal in value. The difference in their roles is built into them, it is created.

Now, sin and cursing for women:

1. She sins through her action, outside of Adam, outside his authority. By listening to the serpent and acting, she throws off the created purpose of God in the same way that Adam throws his off through passivity.

2. “She also gave some to her husband, who was with her, and he ate it.” Here we see the subversion of roles made complete in disobedience. She gives to him, she leads and acts, he responds and obeys. Both are equal in their sin, their guilt, their subversion and rebellion.

3. The curse for woman reflects her disobedience. The word desire is used in only two other places, one of which is in the very next chapter, in which it is written that “sin is at your door. It desires to have you but you must master it.” This is going to sound like a weird thing, but it is a curse for woman to desire man. In fact, according to the pattern of creation, man desires woman, and she responds to that desire. Here, woman is cursed to desire man in a way of control. She wants to control him, to reverse the pattern of their relationship so that she controls it, she dominates him. But, God says, such efforts are always destined to be fruitless, ultimately empty, no matter what degree of external control she can muster, man will rule over her. In the same way that man cannot be free from his design, although his work is cursed, so woman cannot be free from her design, of which the primary part is her relating to her husband.

4. This is complex stuff, but we are not trying to correct the women in our life, or teach them about their own identity. It is enough to know that the basic pattern for woman is the same: as she was created, she sinned. And her created identity is cursed.


Now then, what needs to be done?

The restoration of our identity as men intimately involves the restoration of our relationships with women. With the fall, comes the beginning of hatred and enmity between the sexes, a hatred that has persisted to this day. Adam blames his wife.

We have to understand two things:

1. In entering our relationships with women, we have unresolved desires relating to women. These are issues that touch us as we relate to women, in the particular way that all of us relate to women.

Think of it this way, some of us are driven by our problems and issues related to women, such that we tend to seek out something from them. This is the “Barney Stinson” man, the man who has experienced hurt or rejection or something that makes him seek out the approval/love of women.

This is stronger or weaker in us according to our experiences. But this is the pattern that touches on every interaction we have with women! So whether this is a large, addictive pattern in us, or a subtle and small pattern, it is present! The pattern is this:

Being created to desire women, the desiring of women tends to bring us pleasure, the illusion of satisfaction and wholeness. As we seek after pleasure as a result of our desire to find completion and wholeness outside of good, we desire women. This takes the form of real relationships, both ones that on the outside look fine, ones that look problematic. It also takes the form of abstract, or imagined relationships. This is mental fantasy, and strongest in this day, pornography.

Finally, this pattern can be weakly sexualize or non-sexualized. The pleasure can take the form not of sexual pleasure, but the pleasure of being admired, respected, that component of a male-female relationship that is mocks the provider/helper created model. Thus, where no sexual misconduct is occurring, relationships can still acquire the pattern of Amnon…man acquiring from woman the satisfaction of his desires, the created desire to be complemented in women. Thus, even man in whom sexual desire is repressed (homosexual) or absent (eunuch, or rarely in others) seeks to bring fullness and satisfaction to himself through women.

We must first examine DEEPLY this pattern in our own life, seeing it in the women we interact with. I guarantee that it is present in all our lives. I find it constantly cropping up in my own life.

2. The solution is not to try and control every interaction with women, to establish a whole host of rules regarding them, but to first of all be fulfilled in Christ, finding satisfaction in him so that we do not need to run to woman IN ANY WAY to feel satisfied.

This, of course, is the solution of the New Creation, being reformed in Christ. But as we studied last week, from this new condition, this new creation, we must take of the old self and put off the old self. But only in the context of this full satisfaction can we bring healing into our relationships with women.


Application for us:

1. We need to re-enter the identity we have been made for. The distortion is using women for our pleasure and satisfaction. The created identity is our protection and caring for women. How can we do that in this ministry? How can we make the women feel protected and cared for?

2. The number way we can protect them is by guarding their hearts. This means what exactly? It means that we don’t create imitation relationships with them. It means that we act towards them with boldness and clarity. It means that we communicate with them and do not fall into relationship with them.

3. We have to value women as co-equal to us. With the fall, the chaos of the sinful world made men powerful and has long taught us that hierarchy is value, that primacy makes for increased worth. This is ungodly and false. We have to give our sisters the value they deserve, listening to them, valuing their thoughts.

4. We have to lead the ministries, families, etc. that we are a part of. There is nothing I like less than seeing a man being driven around by his wife. We will talk more about this next week.

5. We must flee from passivity in our relationships with women. We will talk more about passivity next week.