How to Get What You Want From the Word

1. Ignore context

There is neither Jew nor Gentile, neither slave nor free, nor is there male and female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus.

Therefore, there is full equality for women in all roles in the church.

2. Have your idea already in place before you crack open the Scriptures.

If you look long and hard enough, you'll be able to support it.

3. Use narrative stories to prescribe normal actions.

This works great for the baptism of the Holy Spirit, less great for the spiritual gift of hearing a talking donkey.

4. Claim that you need another special key for understanding the author.

Without these special documents that we scholars have analyzed, how can you know what Saint Paul REALLY said?

5. Don't read it.

That way you can pretend you're following it.

6. Remember that thing you read that one time? Or that thing you heard that pastor say? That explains it all.

No it doesn't. It was just what you wanted to hear.

7. Spend all your time thinking about that part you really like.

But I like that part! Yeah well, God wrote more.

8. If a passage is ambiguous, choose the meaning you most like, rather than using cross references.

The Puritans called this the "analogy of Scripture."