Monday, October 15, 2012

Birthday Wisdom (repost from Facebook)

Many people have asked me, "Steven, your birthday speeches are near mythical. Every year my friends who are lucky enough to get invited to your birthday party talk about them for HOURS, NAY...DAYS!" To which I reply, "Yes that is true." But I have come to realize a basic flaw in my birthday speeches. Yes, I said "flaw," a word you probably never though would be mentioned in the same sentence with "birthday speech" unless it was in the sentence "Steven's birthday speeches are WITHOUT FLAW!"

What is that flaw? Because I ban all recording devices from parties, indeed, from within five feet of my physical presence, the only people privileged enough to hear my priceless nuggets of wisdom are those who are close enough to me to be invited. And that is admitedly a select few. This year, after much reflection, I have decided to make MY ENTIRE BIRTHDAY SPEECH AVAILABLE IN ELECTRONIC FORMAT! That's right. Rather than merely hearing ABOUT my speech, you can hear it for yourself, provided you find some poor sap to read this out loud to you. Which I recommend doing. Without further ado:

Dear American friends, and foreign companions. You all gathered here for one simple purpose: to celebrate a life worth celebrating. That life is mine. You have chosen well.

But in many ways, can one truly celebrate a life?

Yes, one can. And that life is mine.

This year, I turn 34. Many people are surprised at my advanced age, not realizing that I spent the first five years of my life in a statis chamber. My body may look 29, or even 25, but my soul is 34. And soul age is the most important age.

WHAT IS LIFE? I am glad you asked me. But you didn't ask me, I merely asked myself rhetorically. But many of you would ask me, if you weren't so afraid of me. Sometimes I despise you as mere sycophants. But can one despise another FOR MERELY ACKNOWLEDGING THE TRUTH? No, and so I love you. And that, my friends, is life.

Yes, you heard me right. Friends.

It was hard to make it to age 29. I faced many "slings and arrows of outrageous fortune." That's Shakespeare for all you illiterate slobs. Many times I found myself asking myself "Tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow?" And my answer, inevitably, was "Today." But I am not a quitter. I have never quit once in my life except once, when someone told me to not quit. So I quit not quitting, which when you think about it, is actually not really quitting at all. IT IS AMAZING WHAT PERSPECTIVE WILL DO FOR YOU!

Look at my accomplishments. Which of them can I say with pride, that is truly mine? All of them.

Here is some advice for you. If you were smart, you would write this down. Is that a camera? Someone stop that man. Break his camera. Sorry for the interruption. Kill him. No, with the rope. That's fine. Just make it quick.

Sorry about that everyone.

Here is some advice for you. If you were smart, you would...why is he still making those noises? Someone kill the man who just did a terrible job of killing the other man. This time just use the gun. Thank you.

Here is some advice for you. If you were smart, you would write this down. I will give you three pieces of advice and then I am going to turn the music back on and we are all going to dance.

1. Never underestimate the power of a strong name. Think about name. Steven Charles Crawford. Its the name of an aristocrat. That name opens doors. What's your name? Jim, or Frank or something? Terrible. Change it.

2. Do you want to know the real reason I never wear deodorant? It isn't for my health, as I have told many of you. I can't believe that believed me! WHY WOULD IT BE FOR MY HEALTH? People wear deodorant ALL THE TIME without any health problems. HAHAHA! The real reasons is that it takes too long to open the cap, plus I always forget and put my shirt on first.

3. Finally, live for the moment. Or something like that.

O my dear dear friends! Listen to your heart. It is infallible. If you heart says, do it, then DON'T EVEN THINK JUST DO IT! That is the mantra I live by. And you are all my friends, which means my heart MUST BE RIGHT. That was a compliment, if you missed it. What's this? Cake? O thank you Danny Boy, thank you! Yes I will blow out the candles right now. DON'T SING. STOP SINGING RIGHT NOW. STOP! Thank you. I hate that song. This cake looks delicious!

Well, there you have it. I hope that it will be of use to you. FEEL FREE TO MAKE IT GO "VIRAL"


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