Monday, October 15, 2012

New Year's Wisdom (repost from Facebook)

Most of you know that around this time of year, people begin to make long lists of things that they want to change about themselves during the next calendar year. Perhaps you also participate in this tradition. If so, you know that most people have already broken their so-called resolutions five minutes after they wake up on January 1st, OR SOMETIMES EVEN SOONER!

Why is this true? Because these people, you included, have never learned the POWER OF POSITIVE THINKING!

Let me give you an example. Maybe your resolution is to lose a little weight (and let's be honest, you probably could stand to lose a few pounds). You put it down on a piece of paper and maybe hang it near your desk. But then the next day when someone says, want an extra piece of pie, you say "Yes!" and stuff your fat face with it because you love food so much you stupid fatty fat...

Did you see what I did there? I trapped you into negative thinking by insulting you. YOU DIDN"T EVEN KNOW IT WAS HAPPENING! But with the power of positive thinking, you can lose all the weight you want, and maybe even develop an eating disorder! IF YOU REALLY BELIEVE IT!

Did you know that dreams are not just perturbations of your sleeping subconscious but MESSAGES FROM THE FUTURE? It's true. Metaphysical somnotologists have known for CENTURIES that when asleep the energies of the mind can transcend matter via string theory and center upon alternate energies in future universes THAT HAVE NOT YET BEEN! By this simple pathway, the power of positive thinking can center your waking energies so that the resonance frequency aligns exactly with the previously dreamed future/alternate pathways, thus implanting two universes upon one. The union of these two meta-worlds creates a true reality! THIS IS SCIENCE!

Can you believe that in 1986 I dreamed of a world where computers were linked up into large networks of immense computing power in which information and ideas could be exchanged in a kind of virtual commons? You should believe it BECAUSE I DID! And by the power of positive thinking, this nascent internet was willed into existance! And that is the internet upon which I am writing this very note!

Yes, the secret to a successful 2012 will be in POSITIVE THINKING! Let me give you a glimpse into my own resolutions, which I am confident will occur IN THE NEXT TWELVE MONTHS!

1. Run a marathon....WHILE HOLDING MY BREATH!

2. Become very popular...AMONG JEHOVAH'S WITNESSES!

3. Do 200 pushups in a row...WHILE IN ORBIT AROUND THE EARTH!

Can you believe it?

You too can spice up your pathetic resolutions with the power of positive thinking. Trying to get up the courage to talk to that cute blonde in the next cubicle? YOU'RE THINKING TOO SMALL! With the power of positive thinking, you'll be SECRETLY STALKING HER WITHIN TWO MONTHS!

Yes, this proven method is guaranteed to improve your life. But you may be thinking, "Of course dreams are a gateway to parallel universes. That's somnotology 101! How can I stack universes upon universes without harming myself?" I'M GLAD YOU ASKED!

The secret to positive thinking is VISUALIZATION. Let me break it down.

1. What do you want to accomplish? Trying to lose a few pounds? Write it down on a small yellow post-it note.

2. Get a picture of yourself at your "target" weight. That is the weight that you are "targeting." Don't have a picture of yourself at your "target" weight? Just find one of when you used to be skinny. You probably were never skinny though, which is why you have such a problem with positive thinking.

3. Find a baby picture of yourself, unless you were a very fat baby. If you were a fat baby, simply find a normal picture of yourself and use the software program "photoshop" to make yourself look like you have arrived at your "target" weight. Also, try to remove some of your acne scars while you are at it.

4. Stop eating for two months.

Before you know it, you'll be svelte and beautiful, ALL BECAUSE OF POSITIVE THINKING!!


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