New Year's Wisdom (repost from Facebook)

Most of you know that around this time of year, people begin to make long lists of things that they want to change about themselves during the next calendar year. Perhaps you also participate in this tradition. If so, you know that most people have already broken their so-called resolutions five minutes after they wake up on January 1st, OR SOMETIMES EVEN SOONER!

Why is this true? Because these people, you included, have never learned the POWER OF POSITIVE THINKING!

Let me give you an example. Maybe your resolution is to lose a little weight (and let's be honest, you probably could stand to lose a few pounds). You put it down on a piece of paper and maybe hang it near your desk. But then the next day when someone says, want an extra piece of pie, you say "Yes!" and stuff your fat face with it because you love food so much you stupid fatty fat...

Did you see what I did there? I trapped you into negative thinking by insulting you. YOU DIDN"T EVEN KNOW IT WAS HAPPENING! But with the power of positive thinking, you can lose all the weight you want, and maybe even develop an eating disorder! IF YOU REALLY BELIEVE IT!

Did you know that dreams are not just perturbations of your sleeping subconscious but MESSAGES FROM THE FUTURE? It's true. Metaphysical somnotologists have known for CENTURIES that when asleep the energies of the mind can transcend matter via string theory and center upon alternate energies in future universes THAT HAVE NOT YET BEEN! By this simple pathway, the power of positive thinking can center your waking energies so that the resonance frequency aligns exactly with the previously dreamed future/alternate pathways, thus implanting two universes upon one. The union of these two meta-worlds creates a true reality! THIS IS SCIENCE!

Can you believe that in 1986 I dreamed of a world where computers were linked up into large networks of immense computing power in which information and ideas could be exchanged in a kind of virtual commons? You should believe it BECAUSE I DID! And by the power of positive thinking, this nascent internet was willed into existance! And that is the internet upon which I am writing this very note!

Yes, the secret to a successful 2012 will be in POSITIVE THINKING! Let me give you a glimpse into my own resolutions, which I am confident will occur IN THE NEXT TWELVE MONTHS!

1. Run a marathon....WHILE HOLDING MY BREATH!

2. Become very popular...AMONG JEHOVAH'S WITNESSES!

3. Do 200 pushups in a row...WHILE IN ORBIT AROUND THE EARTH!

Can you believe it?

You too can spice up your pathetic resolutions with the power of positive thinking. Trying to get up the courage to talk to that cute blonde in the next cubicle? YOU'RE THINKING TOO SMALL! With the power of positive thinking, you'll be SECRETLY STALKING HER WITHIN TWO MONTHS!

Yes, this proven method is guaranteed to improve your life. But you may be thinking, "Of course dreams are a gateway to parallel universes. That's somnotology 101! How can I stack universes upon universes without harming myself?" I'M GLAD YOU ASKED!

The secret to positive thinking is VISUALIZATION. Let me break it down.

1. What do you want to accomplish? Trying to lose a few pounds? Write it down on a small yellow post-it note.

2. Get a picture of yourself at your "target" weight. That is the weight that you are "targeting." Don't have a picture of yourself at your "target" weight? Just find one of when you used to be skinny. You probably were never skinny though, which is why you have such a problem with positive thinking.

3. Find a baby picture of yourself, unless you were a very fat baby. If you were a fat baby, simply find a normal picture of yourself and use the software program "photoshop" to make yourself look like you have arrived at your "target" weight. Also, try to remove some of your acne scars while you are at it.

4. Stop eating for two months.

Before you know it, you'll be svelte and beautiful, ALL BECAUSE OF POSITIVE THINKING!!

Birthday Wisdom (repost from Facebook)

Many people have asked me, "Steven, your birthday speeches are near mythical. Every year my friends who are lucky enough to get invited to your birthday party talk about them for HOURS, NAY...DAYS!" To which I reply, "Yes that is true." But I have come to realize a basic flaw in my birthday speeches. Yes, I said "flaw," a word you probably never though would be mentioned in the same sentence with "birthday speech" unless it was in the sentence "Steven's birthday speeches are WITHOUT FLAW!"

What is that flaw? Because I ban all recording devices from parties, indeed, from within five feet of my physical presence, the only people privileged enough to hear my priceless nuggets of wisdom are those who are close enough to me to be invited. And that is admitedly a select few. This year, after much reflection, I have decided to make MY ENTIRE BIRTHDAY SPEECH AVAILABLE IN ELECTRONIC FORMAT! That's right. Rather than merely hearing ABOUT my speech, you can hear it for yourself, provided you find some poor sap to read this out loud to you. Which I recommend doing. Without further ado:

Dear American friends, and foreign companions. You all gathered here for one simple purpose: to celebrate a life worth celebrating. That life is mine. You have chosen well.

But in many ways, can one truly celebrate a life?

Yes, one can. And that life is mine.

This year, I turn 34. Many people are surprised at my advanced age, not realizing that I spent the first five years of my life in a statis chamber. My body may look 29, or even 25, but my soul is 34. And soul age is the most important age.

WHAT IS LIFE? I am glad you asked me. But you didn't ask me, I merely asked myself rhetorically. But many of you would ask me, if you weren't so afraid of me. Sometimes I despise you as mere sycophants. But can one despise another FOR MERELY ACKNOWLEDGING THE TRUTH? No, and so I love you. And that, my friends, is life.

Yes, you heard me right. Friends.

It was hard to make it to age 29. I faced many "slings and arrows of outrageous fortune." That's Shakespeare for all you illiterate slobs. Many times I found myself asking myself "Tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow?" And my answer, inevitably, was "Today." But I am not a quitter. I have never quit once in my life except once, when someone told me to not quit. So I quit not quitting, which when you think about it, is actually not really quitting at all. IT IS AMAZING WHAT PERSPECTIVE WILL DO FOR YOU!

Look at my accomplishments. Which of them can I say with pride, that is truly mine? All of them.

Here is some advice for you. If you were smart, you would write this down. Is that a camera? Someone stop that man. Break his camera. Sorry for the interruption. Kill him. No, with the rope. That's fine. Just make it quick.

Sorry about that everyone.

Here is some advice for you. If you were smart, you would...why is he still making those noises? Someone kill the man who just did a terrible job of killing the other man. This time just use the gun. Thank you.

Here is some advice for you. If you were smart, you would write this down. I will give you three pieces of advice and then I am going to turn the music back on and we are all going to dance.

1. Never underestimate the power of a strong name. Think about name. Steven Charles Crawford. Its the name of an aristocrat. That name opens doors. What's your name? Jim, or Frank or something? Terrible. Change it.

2. Do you want to know the real reason I never wear deodorant? It isn't for my health, as I have told many of you. I can't believe that believed me! WHY WOULD IT BE FOR MY HEALTH? People wear deodorant ALL THE TIME without any health problems. HAHAHA! The real reasons is that it takes too long to open the cap, plus I always forget and put my shirt on first.

3. Finally, live for the moment. Or something like that.

O my dear dear friends! Listen to your heart. It is infallible. If you heart says, do it, then DON'T EVEN THINK JUST DO IT! That is the mantra I live by. And you are all my friends, which means my heart MUST BE RIGHT. That was a compliment, if you missed it. What's this? Cake? O thank you Danny Boy, thank you! Yes I will blow out the candles right now. DON'T SING. STOP SINGING RIGHT NOW. STOP! Thank you. I hate that song. This cake looks delicious!

Well, there you have it. I hope that it will be of use to you. FEEL FREE TO MAKE IT GO "VIRAL"

Sonnet

I thirst for life and thirsting drink its end

Poor mites received for all my talents spent 

My pitcher down the well again is sent

These husks my food while dirtied sty I tend

Where is the life I want with every urge

Of gods which live within my body's frame?

Shall I with will or culture try to tame

These willing things which deep within me surge?

Or harness them and eating all and all

And thirsting drink with mind submerged beneath?

'Til every shard  has passed between my teeth 

And waters gone the earth all bare to fall

I never ate but soon I ate again

Insatiable I mourn what might have been

Let us go with him

Fight against me world, and I will show you
All the fight I have left still inside me
Kneeled and bowed in crimson now I vow to
Run in courage where they yet will hide me
Thus my fight is hiding in the gaps of fear
Which left from love which binds the fight and fills
And is there fear in love which cannot clear
A mind which cannot stand but a word stills
My fight and flight are one
 In perfect rhythm broken by the sun
A wounded grace to never stop the run
O world, you may be in me yet and I can’t stop
To fight and I will never stop and never run
I will fight until with broken knees I cease
To fight and in this ceasing now I fight again
O world, what will you have me do?
Let us go with him, go out to be burned
Outside the camp where fire never turned
A man to black but silvers him instead
Disturbing disgrace left upon his head
A crown which one day he will have to trade
A crown which human art could not have made
This death to death the fight insists displayed
O camp, I’ll leave you, world you have been paid
Fight against me now, O world, my knees are silver
Slivered with the wounds they never earned
And burnt with fire that never left a mark
The contrast which is severed stark
And rough, crucified, defied, not retied
The strings are cut and fight against me now!
I’ll have you see me, say you are no more
But streaming from the wounds the waters pour
Life! They call it life! And yet we all die
Worlds! We earned our worlds! And yet we never die
Chains! They have their chains! And yet they cannot die
Fire! We never tasted fire! And yet consuming it consumes and we do not die
Hope! We have not yet hoped! And yet with all I see I will have to die
Death! We cannot escape death! And yet we will not die
Go with him, go outside the camp and burning bear
The disgrace that he bore. And fight against the world
This is the fight against the world.