For Christy--In Defense of E.E.
1) I agree that the effect of her book has sometimes been to establish a standard for relationships from her relationship with Jim, which is problematic because their relationship (especially some of his actions) is not perfect. However, I don't think she means to communicate this, and I don't think a careful reading of her book does communicate this. Rather, she is using her experience to illustrate the principles she talks about.
2) What she intends to communicate through her experience is not the perfections of her relationship, but rather the obedience to God that both she and Jim (imperfectly) showed. There is something of martyrdom about their experience, just as there is in all obedience. As Romans vi...those who are slaves to sin are free from the control of righteousness. This is a freedom that the elect do not share. To obey God is to choose not to obey self. It may mean a laying down of something dearly desired. This is one of E. Eliot's constant themes, that obedience is sacrifice, and that our desire for something does not make it our right. We must be willing to lay down what we desire for what God has called us to do.
That is probably the whiff of martyrdom about her book...the fact is, Jim and Elisabeth made real sacrifices in obedience to God. You can debate the wisdom of their decisions (especially Jim telling Elisabeth he wanted to marry her without any intention of actually doing so), but I would shy away of questioning what God was calling them to. Follow their example in following God with passion and self-sacrifice.
So maybe that would clear up some things. I mostly like her because she insists on submitting to Scriptures no matter how she feels. So must we.